Jun 5 2022

Aight so for whomever is curious enough to be here right now.
I will be writing every day for 30 minutes.
This could get long so bare with me here.

I'm starting to get back into reading so maybe I'll start posting my book reviews here within the nonsense xD. Ideally I would be doing this at 6am in the morning but today had other plans for me.
I woke up at 9 am late af for work today after setting my 2 alarms at 5:55 and 6:00.
Typical. I turned off snooze so maybe I tapped my phone with my shoulder or whatever the fuck but ANYWAYS here we are now.

Its 8:21pm and I am in my office/bedroom. Beside me I have the book "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson.
Great book! Highly recommend it! (I'm only on page 19.. but the introduction was long af! Gimme a break.)
Ok. So in the book, here we go with the book reviews xD
IN THE BOOK.
He starts on some crazy shit.
Talking bout, yo you are made of billions of atoms right now that are so perfectly arranged that shit will never go down like this again in the history of the universe and it never has before type shit.
And then, this one really got me.
He had a letter "i" on the page right and he starts saying how in that little dot in the "i" that there are over 500 billion protons in that bih.
Because protons are way smaller than atoms and shit but check it! 
500 billion protons in that little ass tiny ass minute ass speckle ass microscopic a-... well maybe not microscopic but, very small dot on the "i" there's that much "stuff".

In case you aren't super familiar with chemistry? physics? Yeah that
A proton is wayyyy smaller than an atom. Which is nuts, ok this is my take on it so he said
Picture an atom(you can't)
But picture how unimaginably small that is, like the smallest thing ever
And then blow it the fuck up
not like a bomb not that kind of blow up, like just zoom in and make the atom huge
Like the size of the sun or something
And then picture something reallll small next to it and thats how big a proton is...
Crazy right.
So thats why theres so many in that little ink dot.
For reference, because 500 billy is a big number
If you got a proton everyday for half a million years... you still wouldn't have as many as that little dot on the "i" has.

Yeah.

Well, moving on. He said some shit about gratefulness and shit I don't buy it
Jk
I love that gratefulness shit.
If gratefulness was shit I would be a pooper scooper, because I love that shit.
It keeps me up. Literally it keeps me up at night. I'll be talking to "god" or whoever/whatever keeps an eye on me. Him? She? Them? Lol the world is crazy now. I'm just poking fun don't cancel me before I start plz.

Well, yeah I hadn't been reading much or being very productive lately.
It started becoming a real bummer really. 
That used to be my thing, like, I loved it all. The work the feeling you get afterwards when you've worked hard. Oh my lort that goes hard. Feeling good about yourself? Subconsciously respecting yourself? Whaaat. 
I had completely forgotten how that felt.
Like, just like everyone else I get SOME shit done. Buttt we all know we could be doing a little more. Like I could be watching tv right now. Yet instead I'm here typing on my computer to nobody.
Maybe someone will read this one day.
I'm sure someone will read this one day.

Anyways.
I had lost touch with my greater self. I stopped reading books, I stopped listening to motivational speeches from smart people, I stopped caring about what I fed my brain.
There was a point just a day or 2 ago where I just simply felt like shit.
For no reason. I mean I tried blaming everything; "it was the weed I smoked" or "I shouldn't have drank that coffee", "maybe I should've ate healthier today". Which honestly it could've played a part but, at the end of the day I knew why I felt shitty.
I was lazy.
I was lazy, I would go home and smoke or whatever and just feed my tv a pair of eyes.
I didn't give a fuck.
I mean I had already read all the books a long time ago, I had already tried the hyper-productive life, I knew it ALL.
right?
ha
hahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha
No.
Not at all.
I became all the things I thought were lame.

I've always had this view that we are all just given an opportunity.
The ugly with the hot girlfriend worked his ass off for it and he is having the time of his life!
A wayy better life than the beautiful person who secretly hates themselves and self-sabotages.
Imagine if Brad Pitt was just a homeless dude his whole life like, you know what I mean?

I always thought the true measure of how good someone was navigating this crazy shit called life was based on how HARD they were TRYING.
It's easy to be "successful" when your parents give you a million dollars and teach you all about business.
To get the girl in high school when you are beautiful and nobody cares what you really say.
It's difficult to be from a poor family, deadass broke and ugly, and nobody cares about you.
That person, the one who came from the hardest background and SUCCEEDS???!!?
That's the life I would say made the most of the opportunity we are all given.
We all subconsciously love the under achiever. We think thats us.
Ha
haha
hahahahha- ok u get it

NO
We got everything we could possibly ask for. 
Thats another thing this book taught me is that we SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
It doesn't make sense.
There's planets and shit and they all spin on a plane around a sun that spins around ANOTHER PLANE AROUND SOME OTHER SHIT  
THAT SPINS ON ANOTHER PLANE AROUND SOME OTHER SHIT!!!
Yeah.
I can't even loook at the fucking stars at night it scares the ever living shit out of me to see something so amazing. It really does.
But umm
Well my alarm just sounded. So I guess I've been writing for 30 minutes now...
I kinda don't want to stop ha
haha
hahhaha-
ok ok, enough of that
Well. Shit. Anyways I love you. If you are here with me experiencing this stream of thought I really appreciate you riding that wave with me lmao.
I should stop for now I gotta go read and work on music and shit so.
Well this isn't goodbye, it's more of a "See you tomorrow!"
I love this.
So quick summary:

We are made of billions of things that aren't even conscious but work tirelessly to keep you alive..
So yeah be grateful n shit.
And uhh don't be a lazy piece of shit, like me :)
Because I'm realllly trying not to be, like on god no cap sheeeesh
This shit is awesome.
Have fun with this shit, it's fun it's free and you deserve it.
Kinda like masturbating
XD XD XD
hahaha alright I'm out
<3